


How to Cook Spaghetti

by Aeshiryzen



Series: dump_fic [8]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Comedy, Crack, Funny, M/M, Unresolved Sexual Tension, hard to get daichi, horny kuroo, persistent kuroo, sawamura daichi's ass
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-06
Updated: 2016-03-06
Packaged: 2018-05-25 01:26:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,131
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6174784
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aeshiryzen/pseuds/Aeshiryzen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Daichi did not know who his destined one is. Tetsurou does not know either. Well, until that fateful incident that changed their lives forever.</p>
            </blockquote>





	How to Cook Spaghetti

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired and patterned with a work by eurytideslhy311 entitled Delivered Straight to Your Door
> 
> Check it here  
> https://www.fictionpress.com/s/2896430/1/Delivered-Straight-to-Your-Door

Daichi did not know who his destined one is. Tetsurou does not know either. Well, until that fateful incident that changed their lives forever.

 

It was a normal day for Tetsurou and Daichi when it all started. The two hot studs just happens to be hanging out because that is what close “guy friends” do. They hang out and do ridiculous things that dudes mostly do: check out chicks, pig out on junk foods and meat, do some pranks, and play anything that involves balls.

 

So Tetsurou and Daichi have done everything ‘guy friends’ should do, since they became ‘guy friends’ years ago, maybe except jacking off together, or sharing a girl, or being sent to jail. Okay, maybe they have not done everything on the list, but at least they do basics, like you know, playing volleyball.

 

So it all happens when they are just ‘innocently’ playing soccer. Volleyball, just another ball game filled with dudes who think that they are fucking superman when they are on the court. And never forget that Tetsurou and Daichi are dudes too. And so, they, especially Tetsurou, think they are fucking superman too. And that is how it begins.

 

So Tetsurou thinks he is superman and he leaps as high as he can and hit the ball. Okay, he hit the ball, and it went to the other side of the court. Tetsurou may be fucking superman after all, but not likely. Tetsurou simply forgets that when he leaps, he is supposed to land after that, because there is this thing called gravity that pulls him back on the ground (according to Newton’s Law of Gravity), and that he is not superman, and he cannot fly. But of course, since Tetsurou forgets about Newton, Tetsurou falls on the ground not gracefully.

 

Daichi, the guy friend, the buddy, the other dude, comes to Tetsurou and starts calling his name. Oh how sweet, not really.  There is really nothing sweet about a guy tripping (also not graciously) and landing on the body that he is supposed to rescue. So basically, Daichi is on top of Tetsurou afterwards because he is meant to fall, also courtesy of Newton and his Law of Gravity.

 

 Tetsurou’s eyes are closed, and Daichi thinks that Tetsurou might be dead. But Tetsurou is not dead obviously because he opens his eyes later, and that is the beginning why this whole story exists.

 

So when Tetsurou opens his eyes, he thinks that he sees an angel, although of course the creature is not angel, he is only his friend Daichi. He also thinks that he is hearing some sort of an instrumental in the background, but that is only his imagination. Tetsurou thinks he is in heaven, and the angel (Daichi) in front of him just happens to be the most beautiful thing his eyes has lain upon. And these are happening while his heart is pounding.

 

Since only like about 0.99% of his brain is functioning right now, Tetsurou only blurts out the first thing that comes to his mind.

 

“Daichi I love you! Can I fuck you?!”

 

Daichi blinks. And he blinks again. He blinks like a doe who has heard something nearby, he blinks like a puppy looking at his new owner, he blinks like a bunny seeing a large carrot. He blinks, and blinks, and blinks.

 

After blinking, Daichi smiles, the innocent and pure kind of smile “I love you too Tetsurou.”

 

Tetsurou thinks he truly is in heaven; the instrumental song in the background is playing again.

 

‘Daichi loves him too. Daichi loves him too. Daichi loves him too. Daichi loves him too.’ That’s all he could think of. But of course, Tetsurou’s awakened cauldron of strong affection for Daichi has blinded him on what Daichi really means.

 

**The Next Day…**

 

“I love you can I fuck you?”

 

Daichi just laughs at him.

 

“Tetsurou  you are very funny today.”

 

Tetsurou is happy, Daichi thinks he is funny. And people usually like the person they are dating to be funny that can make them laugh, right? RIGHT?

 

**The Next Day…**

Third’s time the charm they say. Tetsurou believes on that. Well, he already believes he is Superman, so he can believe that the third time, he will get what he wants from Daichi. He is sure that Daichi loves him too, the shorter man already confirms it. But Tetsurou wants to do ‘IT’.

 

“I love you! Can I fuck you?”

 

“Okay, Tetsurou I know you are a bit crazy sometimes, but your lame joke is getting old.”

 

“But I am not joking!”

 

“What do you mean you are not joking?”

 

AWKWARD SILENCE

 

AWKWARD SILENCE

 

AWKWARD SILENCE

 

“You mean you really want to fuck me?!”

 

“Yes!”

 

“But you’re not gay. And I don’t have boobs!”

 

“Buy you have the most erotic thighs and ass. I guess I’ll just GO GAY for you.”

 

AWKWARD SILENCE

 

AWKWARD SILENCE

 

AWKWARD SILENCE

 

 “So now what?”

 

“What do you mean now what?”

 

“So… Your bed or my bed? Or you want to do it somewhere else? Let’s do it in the bathroom!”

 

Tetsurou got the hottest eye make-up of the season that day, the black-eye look. Yes, Daichi punchd him, and it was awesome, to Tetsurou at least.

 

**The Next Day…**

Tetsurou analyzes what went wrong. Why does he have a black eye, why is his dick still Dai-ass deprived? He analyzes real hard, and analyzes till his hair turn gray. Of course his hair does not turn gray. So after crucial analyzing, he thinks that he finally figures out what was wrong with his previous proposals. 

 

“I love you, can we fuck?”

 

“Are those chocolates for me?”

 

“Yes.”

 

Tetsurou looks at Daichi and he can’t help but admire the smaller male as he ravishes the chocolate bar in the cutest way possible. And after that, he is sure that Daichi will give him the sweetest ‘YES’.

 

 “I have to go now Tetsurou.”

 

Rephrasing and gifts should have done it, they should have done it. But nothing happens, he still deprived with Dai-ass. WHY?!!!!!!

 

**The Next Day…**

 

“We both don’t have schedules today.”

 

“And?”

 

“It’s a perfect day!”

 

“Perfect day for what?”

 

“Oh yeah, I forgot to ask your permission. I love you! Can I fuck you? Please…”

 

Daichi punches him again. And it is more awesome than the last.

 

**The Next Day…**

“Please, my Daichi, let me fuck you now.”

 

Like Tetsurou, Daichi also analyzes everything, and thinks of Tetsurou’s ‘personality problem’. And the best reason he could think of why Tetsurou is suddenly acting like some crazy creeper who has a libido size of China is…

 

“You’re an alien! That’s the only reason! Where is Tetsurou? Bring back Tetsurou!”

 

“You discovered my secret.”

 

“Huh…”

 

“Yes I maybe am an alien. Because in my universe, sun isn’t the center, YOU are… You, Sawamura Daichi is the center of my universe… So Can I fuck you now?”

 

Daichi covers the door of his room with garlic, because garlic is supposed to stray the aliens away right? Right? Well, that’s according to Daichi.

 

**The Next Day…**

Daichi realizes that the ‘Tetsurou situation’ is not going to hasten anytime. So maybe he could find some benefits to it while it is still there.

 

“I love you! Can I fuck you?”

 

“Can you untie my shoes?”

 

“Anything for you my love.”

 

“Tetsurou will you get a warm milk?”

 

“Warm milk up and away!”

 

“Tetsurou, cook me noodles.”

 

“Chicken, beef, or seafood?”

 

If Tetsurou isn’t really pro to slavery under him (an act that Tetsurou hopes symbolizes his pure-hearted devotion to his ‘guy friend slash love of his life’), Daichi might has not taken out the garlic in his door. It kind of makes him guilty at first, but he argues that Tetsurou is only being nicey-nicey because he wants something from him, some sort of sexual act that Daichi has no idea is possible. And damn, it feels good to be treated like a king.

 

“Daichi, you don’t need to walk. I, as a slave of love, will be glad to carry you.”

 

“No! You will not in any way carry me!”

 

“But…”

 

**The Next Days…**

Tetsurou  is gone for a couple of days for some school trip. And Daichi must be rejoicing but Tetsurou always finds ways to send him package messages: snail mail, e-mail, text message, SNS messages, blog comments, video message, etc. Yes, he always finds a way to get them to Daichi at all cause. He might really be Superman after all.

 

Basically the messages consists of the following:

 

‘I  <3 you, can I F you?’

 

‘Call me, then letz fuck’

 

‘Hugs, Kisses, and Fucks’

 

‘I love you more today, I wanna fuck you more today too.’

 

‘I love you today more than the today yesterday and the day before yesterday.  Oh Daichi, I’m desperate. Why can’t you just let me fuck you?’

 

‘XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO’

 

 ‘I miss you’

 

‘Please let me fuck you when I returned.’

 

‘I love you! Can I fuck you?’

 

**The Next Day…**

To Daichi’s dismay, Tetsurou returned, whole and no injuries, still healthy as ever, probably even healthier, a bit too healthy actually.

 

“Daichi! I’m back! Now, can we fuck? Please?”

 

“So how was your trip?”

 

“Lonely, because you’re not with me.”

 

“So did you really some shark and whales?”

 

“Yeah…”

 

“Nice, I would had loved to see them too.”

 

“There are dolphins too.”

 

Tetsurou is happy. Daichi talks to him all day asking everything about the places Tetsurou went which is just the sea. But everybody knows how much Daichi adores the water. But damn! He needs his Dai-ass now!

 

**The Next Day…**

“I did a research in gay sex.”Daichi’s eyes widened “It sounds more exciting that I think it will be. Do you know that prostrate gives men such a great orgasmic experience?”

 

Of course Daichi does not know. He does not even know what prostrate is, anatomy isn’t exactly his favorite subject. But in all honesty, he is curious what the hell the prostrate thing really is, but he is afraid that Tetsurou will get excited and explain everything about gay sex. But of course Daichi is wrong, whether he asks or not, Tetsurou will still explain every single thing about gay sex.

 

They spent the next few minutes with Tetsurou showing pictures and videos on how ‘IT IS DONE’, which also means minutes of blushing and shrieking Daichi. Goodbye innocent-virgin eyes!

 

 “I am as new as you are in this thing. But that’s the joy of it. We are going to learn everything together. You and me, and our love.”

 

“Ahmm… So someone has to take it in the ass?”

 

“Tetsurou Junior would be so happy to enter you! Don’t worry my junior is just as fit as I am , and proportional to my height!”

 

That is totally an information Daichi does not want to know. Daichi is supposed to be the pure and sturdy one. He has always been. And now Tetsurou, just happens to instigate all this carnal knowledge in his mind. So much for Daichi’s innocence!

 

“So now, will you let me fuck you?”

 

“Ahm… Tetsurou… Can you just fuck yourself?”

 

**The Next Day…**

So, Daichi is the one who is out of town this time. Well, he is still in the road, but technically he is already out of town because he is no longer in the town’s road. And of course, Tetsurou will always find a way… Like calling Daichi for the nth time until Daichi finally decides to answer just to get over it.

 

“I love you baby! Can I voice-fuck you?

 

“Don’t call me baby!”

 

“How about Babe?”

 

“I’m not a PIG nor am lost in a city.”

 

“Sweetheart? Darling? Marshmallow? Angel? Cuppy bear? Chup-chup? Pup-pup?”

 

“Just call me by my name. Daichi, call me Daichi!”

 

“Your right, those nicknames are awful. Nothing is sweeter than your name, Daichi.”

 

No answer.

 

“Did you see the new gay porn movie I sent you? Let’s do that position too.”

 

 “No! I have no time.”

 

“Ahhh… Ahhh…”

 

“What are you doing?”

 

“Tetsurou Junior just needs some attention. He’s a bit overexcited.”

 

“You fucking prick!”

 

“I see, you want my prick fucking your tight little ass? Oh baby, but I want to tease you first.”

 

“We’re not having phone sex you bastard!”

 

“You want to carry my bastards? Yes Daichi my love. We are going to make bastards.”

 

Some disturbing sound.

 

“I almost got killed! Goodbye!”

 

**The Next Day…**

“I love you, wanna fuck?”

 

“No! No! No! No! No!”

 

“Did I mention the magic of prostrate?”

 

“Yes! And I’m not interested.”

 

“Want some coffee?”

 

“Okay, I’m interested.”

 

“On the magic of prostrate?!”

 

“To the coffee bastard!”

 

“Oh, you still can’t get over of us making bastards don’t you?”

 

“Can we just go to Starbucks?”

 

“Oh sure…”

 

**The Next Day…**

“Hi Daichi, Nice weather.”

 

“There’s a thunderstorm….”

 

“It’s still nice because it is the weather that brought me to you, My Daichi”

 

AWKWARD SILENCE

 

AWKWARD SILENCE

 

AWKWARD SILENCE

 

“Are you sure you are alright?”

 

“You’re concern with me? Oh Daichi, my beautiful Daichi. After days of coldness, you showed me your warmness. Oh how much I long for this day to come again. Oh Daichi, oh yes my Daichi, I accept your love.”

 

“It’s nothing like that you sleazy bastard. It’s just that that’s not how usually greet me.”

 

“I love you! Can I fuck you?!”

 

“No Fuck for you!”

 

**The Next Day…**

“I love you! Can I fuck you?”

 

“I thought you are already through with that whole love-you-fuck-you-thing?”

 

“But I thought you want that, you are looking for it yesterday…”

 

**The Next Day…**

“Are you two fucking?” Yaku asked bluntly.

 

“No!”

 

“Yes!”

 

Yaku looked at the playfully. Daichi glared at Tetsurou. And Tetsurou, he’s a bit of nervous but maintains his large grin.

 

“Ahmm… Later…” Tetsurou said, Daichi still glares, Tetsurous supplies, “Maybe tonight… Or tomorrow… I’m pretty sure it would be soon.”

 

“Never ever ever ever!”

 

Yaku smirks and dials his phone to call anyone. He cannot wait to tell every juicy detail to every living soul.

 

**The Next Day…**

“Yaku said that Tetsurou and you are fucking.” Suga asked Daichi.

 

“No fucking hell! I’m straight!”

 

Little did they know Tetsurou was also there. “So as spaghetti before you cook it.”

 

“I’m not a fucking spaghetti!”

 

“You will be. All I have to do is cook you the right way.”  Daichi opens his mouth about to say something.

“Oh yes I know, you need your space. We can’t be together all the time and you also need to spend some time with other people. That is how healthy relationships go. So you go have fun with Suga. But tonight baby you are mine. I love you Daichi.”

 

Daichi’s mouth remains open too traumatized to say a thing.

 

When Tetsurou leaves, Suga says to Daichi, “I think you are a spaghetti.”

 

**The Next Day…**

“Do you want to top?” Daichi choked at his smoothie which is bought by Tetsurou for him. The whole situation almost feels like borderline bribery-prostitution with Tetsurou giving him all the goodies, but Daichi just could not resist free food!

 

“I could bottom if you want, After all… I am a man of many talents and very versatile. Oh I see, you want my ass more than my junior. Well, it may not be a surprise, but I am also well-kept behind.”

 

“Tetsurou, I don’t want to fuck you!”

 

“Alright.”

 

“Alright what?”

 

“Alright, okay, let’s do what you want.”

 

“You mean, that’s it?”

 

Daichi is expecting Tetsurou to be overly dramatic about this. And do another series of whining and lectures about how love is not something he will give up. This is totally unexpected and out of the ordinary, and it feels weird all of a sudden. But that does not make him disappointed. He is in no way disappointed at any rate. He is not disappointed that Tetsurou no longer wants sex.

 

“Yeah, you should had said earlier before I gave the offer. I prefer it that way anyway. I am taller and rowdier. So I should be the one fucking you.”

 

“What the fuck?!”

 

“Yes let’s fuck!”

 

Some weird sounds.

 

“Tetsurou! Wear some clothes will you?!”

 

**The Next Day…**

“Have you ever felt orgasm?”

 

“Don’t say another word about orgasm, or else…”

 

“You’ll punish me?”

 

“Tetsurou, I don’t have any intention to blindfold you or tie you up in the bed. ”

 

“I never meant that to be perverse, you are the one thinking dirty.”

 

**The Next Day…**

“When will you stop this love-you-fuck-you-thing?”

 

“These emotions I feel run so deep that I could not stop it. Daichi can’t you see? My love for you will live on and on.“

 

“What makes you think that you love me?”

 

“You are the very first person I thought of having sex more than once.”

Daichi with all of his preppy, polite and honest, embellished with stern and strong personality, who prefers to seek answers about how relationship works through psychology books, who is also big fan of classic literature and tends to look deep in everything, who may be open-minded but still firm to his rather conservative upbringing thinks that Tetsurou’s idea of love is….

 

 “UNLAWFULLY TWISTED! TOTALLY ATROCIOUS! HORRENDOUSLY CRAZY! AND EXTREMELY IDIOTIC!  ”

 

“I swear, I never masturbated and had more wet dreams since the day I realized I am in love with you! You know, love and lust go hand in hand. That’s why I know I’m in love you. I had never lusted to anyone like I am with you.”

 

“You don’t love me! You just think you do!”

 

“I do!”

 

“You don’t!”

 

“I do!”

 

“You don’t!”

 

“I do!”

 

“You don’t!”

 

“I do!”

 

“You don’t!”

 

“I do!”

 

“You don’t!”

 

“I do Daichi!” Tetsurou pauses and grins “That sounds nice. I like the sound of that, I do Daichi! I do Daichi! I do Daichi! I do Daichi!”

 

**The Next Day…**

“I…. I…. You… You…” Daichi wants to say something to Tetsurou, something, just any word that is mean, and harsh, and something that could represent what Tetsurou really is. But with the taller man’s unnatural talent in twisting words and statements, he could always find a way to turn any derogatory word he will throw into something sexual.

 

“You love me too! I know Daichi, that is what you are going to tell me, you are going to profess your undying love to me! I just knew it!”

 

AWKWARD SILENCE

 

AWKWARD SILENCE

 

AWKWARD SILENCE

 

 “You know that I love you! And since you also love me! We can go and fuck now!”

 

Seriously, Tetsurou likes being a Raccoon.

 

**The Next Days…**

Daichi is still a virgin in the ass. And Tetsurou is still as persistent as ever. Everything in the name of love!


End file.
